Truth is, I’ve been struggling lately. It’s the roller coaster that is this journey. Sometimes you are up so high, and then just like that, you come way down low. The smallest things can get you down. Sometimes when you least expect it. Or maybe it’s the weight of the really big things you carry around with you but suppress on a daily basis.
Maybe I took a preschool tour for the baby and peeked into the three year old classroom thinking I could handle it. I couldn’t. I’m so used to my three year old, I sometimes forget what typical three looks like. And it is very different from where we are right now. A reminder of the gap we are trying to overcome, which just seems to be getting wider.
Or maybe the baby seems more quiet than his siblings at this age. And I start getting nervous. Because this is a big year for him. By year end he will be Lucas’ age when we realized he was developing differently. When our life began to change with the realization that an autism diagnosis was looming right around the corner. And as I share with a fellow autism mom my concerns, and I say I wish we didn’t have to worry about these things, she tells me: “we know too much”. And we do.
We know too much. And that is one of the hardest parts about this journey. We know what it is like to loose that sense of security that everything is going to be alright. That feeling when most things have always gone your way, or not, but worked out one way or another. Because now we know first hand that sometimes things turn out differently and they will never again be the way they are today. We know that things we never planned of, or thought of, can happen to us. Serious things. Life changing things. And we are scared. All the time. Because things could be much worse. And we know this. We could get another diagnosis. Or a regression. A plateau. Or worse. We could loose skills, or speech, or never gain it at all. Or this could happen again. To us. To another one of our sweet babies. And we feel we could not possibly handle that. The worry. The heartbreak. The unknown. And yet, here we are again, in familiar territory. And why you ask? Because we know too much.